Monday, August 22, 2011

Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been Part 1

I think it's time for me to be honest: this blog can be a chore.

When I was in Texas, my family kept joking around that all I ever did was hang around the computer. But I needed to post. I needed to get this blog perfect. Maybe I could change the design like this or add that. But by the end of it, my blog still looked the same, and I personally dislike it...a lot.

It's not just the design. It's the fact that this feels so forged. For me, blogs are for living vicariously through the cuter and craftier. So I try to model my posts after them. And since I can't afford all of the cute clothes from sites like modcloth, I just make random posts about dresses hoping that will make up for it, and then after they're up, I'll critique them again and again. "Oh that was corny. People are probably going to think that was so stupid."

It's all surface level, every little thing. In all honesty, I have never felt so much like a train wreck. My house is so messy. I clean it, and the next day, it's messy again. It's my own fault, but I tend to blame Bryce (at least in my mind) and just get so crabby towards him.

My job has been getting so hard lately. The kids have both been acting up some, especially the younger of the two. He throws fits, and it makes me so mad, I cry. I'm not patient nor loving. Again, I'm crabby. I raise my voice and then feel so bad about it, but to make up for it, I blame everyone but myself. A lot of fruit comes from getting your face out of the phone and playing with them. From loving them despite their time-outs. From cuddling and laughing under sheet forts. They get this fun side a lot, but not as often as they should.

And my heart? Gosh, it's like a black hole. These past few years have been really hard. I claim to be a Christian, but at times, I'm ashamed of that. In high school, it all seemed so easy. You go to church, you're saved. You rock out with the youth group and hang out with your church friends, and there isn't much resistance (at least not in my school). There was only one time I was made fun of for my faith: a kid once laughed at me and told the bus that I planned to stay a virgin until I was married. That was it, and it was tolerable. But now, I go online, and people criticize it so much. We're close-minded bigots to them. They will bash our religion the first chance they get. And for a while, I read these things and felt almost naked. They were ripping apart at my flesh, trying to peck at my heart. But nonetheless, I read articles and comments that openly bashed what I once clung to so dearly. And I started to let go until I was callous. There were days I would wake up and doubt God more than I believed Him. I'm still jealous of my Facebook friends who seem to live with so much confidence, who post Scriptures and tie their hearts to them. My heart is the consequence of being both in the world and of it. I chose not to live any differently, and now it shows.

So that's that. I don't really care if that's not the most uplifting thing to read, but this blog is mine. I want to start acting like it. I want to blog about my day, even if I didn't wear the cutest dress or go to the most awesome place. I want to write and walk away happy. I want to feel like I'm not just on here to try to make money off of the advertisements or in hopes that this stupid thing will take off someday. Oh well in either case. This is my life, and through grace, I'm getting it together. From now on, this is a small bit of accountability; a sign that I'm living my life, not spending it on silly wishes.

So, my friends, there you are. I'm sorry if this isn't the happiest thing. Just in case, here's a kitten:

And I promise, the next post is a lot more fun:)


Majid Ali said...

Please help me for Christ sake

Nappy-Pants2 said...

I have a few things to say... First, I follow your blog and I don't care if you think that's stalking or not. I do it because like what you have to say, also I love modcloth and cannot afford it and it's very depressing. But I also follow because your interesting, and I am able to relate to you. I'm Catholic and where I am sure our churches vary in there own ways, our overall concept is the same. Like you, I hung on to my morals through high school and it was pretty simple. Now, here we are at a MAJOR deciding point in our lives. We are in full chaos because we have SO much deciding to do from what we want for dinner, to when we have our first children. It's so easy to question things in a world like this. At some point or another people question their faith, it happens because we can't be perfect. What's important is that you make things right with God. You don't have to feel bad or empty inside because you have questioned what God has in store for you, what you need to remember is that God forgives. So make things right with him because we all have our weak moments, but that doesn't make us non believers.